Written by: Eve Joy M. Hate (Contributor Writer)
I think being alone is better than being with temporary friends. I wrote in my memory book the names I once knew. I burnt it afterwards because it wasted a huge space in my life. It was the space where I kept the past that I long to have now. It was a waste because it was nothing but a foolish dream.
I tried to form new friendships, but it only added to the list of my found and lost. I wish it would have been the opposite. Every time I see groups of people, I feel left out. In my eyes, I am in a world where I don’t belong.
People don’t seem to understand how it hurts being a loner. They don’t seem to understand how loners long badly to find someone whom they can call their best friend forever.
I am a loner. I am alone in the world. Nobody cares about me.
Here is my story.
When I was 12 years old, I used to be a friendly person and I wrote letters to the people in school whom I considered friends. I also told someone, “Hey! From now on, we’re best friends, okay?” I talked happily with everyone.
All that changed when I entered high school.
I started to feel sad when the people in school were judging me and criticizing me. I was hated. They were telling me that I was different. That was the first time that I realized that everyone can’t be my friend, because not everyone feels the same.
As I go on with my studies, I have been in and out of many groups of people. It was in those moments of my life that I realized that not knowing how to make friends makes one’s life hard. You see, our lives are affected by the way we are with people.
High school was not elementary any more. People in high school choose the friends they wanted to have. I was not strong enough to be the one who chooses. I was one of the people left to be the ones in the “choices” section.
The good thing about relationships that end is that people either forget or forgive. The ones I hated, well, I forced myself to forget that they exist. It was the only way to survive in my school.
By the time I stepped into college, I had cut all my connections with the past. It’s not like anyone will remember me or miss me anyway. I have been afraid of forming deep friendships. I am not friendly like I used to be. I don’t share anything about myself any more. I don’t trust. I don’t give letters. I just don’t anymore.
I wonder if they ever felt lonely for the reason that they don’t have any friends. I wonder if they ever wanted to be friends with lonely people even if these lonely people are uncomfortable to be with. I wonder if they want to be friends with a sensitive person like me.
I don’t want to be alone in the world. I don’t even know if I still belong in this world. Does anyone even want me to be a part of this world?
I don’t want to be alone.
Editor’s Note: Eve Joy is a student journalist of The Manila Times College and a writer for the school’s online publication, The Muralla. To see more of her and the student’s works visit: www.themuralla.com.